


When Dreams Aren't Reality

by MaeveElemora



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Dorian is super brief in this btw, Established Relationship, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Mentions of Nightmares, one day I will write out the canon of Mae and Cullen, until that day I'm just going to faff about with these little one shots
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-10
Updated: 2019-03-10
Packaged: 2019-11-15 02:14:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,983
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18064625
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MaeveElemora/pseuds/MaeveElemora
Summary: "She had a nightmare this morning," he admits softly."Let me guess, our indomitable leader refused to bother you with the details of such an inconsequential occurrence." At Cullen's resigned nod, Dorian scoffs and drops himself into a chair on the other side of the Commander's desk. "I love that woman, but her bullheadedness will kill me long before our enemies do."--Mae wakes up crying and won't fess up the why. Cullen, the adorable puppy that he is, tries not to be pushy.Oct 9th 2019 Edit: this fic is real bad and hopefully after kinktober i will come back to rewrite it





	When Dreams Aren't Reality

**Author's Note:**

> Ya girl is still mad rusty when it comes to writing and this fic is a hot mess, my apologies. Trying to shake off the cobwebs and find my footing again.

Cullen is no stranger to nightmares. He's been haunted by them going on a decade now. He knows the way they settle into your bones, knows the racing heartbeat and cold sweat that rolls down the skin with the same level of intensity that he knows how to wield his sword. He knows the sobs that feel like they start from the very center of your being, knows they can't be choked back most wakings.

So one morning when he wakes to the feeling of Maeve pulling herself to the edge of what has recently become _their_ bed, a single ragged pant breaking the silence of the early morning, he knows immediately what's happened. He sits up and reaches for her hand slowly, steeling himself for the possibility of her flinching away from his touch. He won't take it personally if she does. He's had enough of his own rough mornings to understand the complexity of that mental terror. It almost comes as a shock when she not only accepts the touch, but clings to his fingers like a lifeline.

"Cullen," Mae sobs, and her voice is so hollow it physically hurts to hear. There's no hesitation in him now as he moves to her side, pulling her into his lap and wrapping his arms around her.

"It's alright, love," Cullen soothes. "I have you. I always have you." And he absolutely does for the next few minutes as she lets the sobbing run its course. He doesn't press for details, not yet, just strokes her arms and lays kisses to every inch of skin his lips can currently reach.

By the time she calms, they're already late for first meal, and she brushes off his attempts to get her talk. "Later," she deflects, shakily pulling on her uniform. "We need to keep you eating regularly. Bull will steal all those biscuits you love if he thinks we're up here shirking our routine."

She gives him a smile, but it isn't sitting right on her face. There's a weight to it that Cullen spots easily. Whatever that nightmare was hasn't left her, he knows. But this is a war, and they are two of its leaders. They don't have the luxury of putting down their mantles for a day.

Cullen pulls her close, stealing just a few more moments of their time to thoroughly kiss her. "You'll tell me when you're ready?"

Mae sighs quietly, but nods her head.

For now, it will have to do.

  
\----

 

She's unusually quiet through the last half of first meal that they manage to attend. Her inner circle all notice the shift in her demeanor as well, most of them trying to catch her eye and convey silent concern. When their looks go unacknowledged they shift their attention to Cullen. He gives them all a small shake of his head in return. _What would you have me do?_  he pleads internally. _Lock her in our room until she confesses? We would have better chances with converting Corypheus to the Chant._

He spots her several times as the day goes on. Her posture remains rigid, her diplomatic smile firmly in place. There's far too many people in his office for him to do much more than grasp her hand and quietly ask if she's alright when she comes in midday for a debriefing. She gives him nothing more than a squeeze of her hand and a small smile in return. It's not nearly as strained as it was hours before in their room, but there's still so much missing from it.

Dorian barges into his office shortly after that, the Tevinter's mouth just barely beginning to open when Cullen cuts him off. "Don't start, I don't know any more about what's bothering her than you do."

"You know her best," Dorian counters. "If there's anyone who can figure it out and get that wretched look out of her eyes, it's her precious Ferelden juggernaut."

Cullen sighs lets his head fall forward into his hands. "She had a nightmare this morning," he admits softly.

"Let me guess, our indomitable leader refused to bother you with the details of such an inconsequential occurrence." At Cullen's resigned nod, Dorian scoffs and drops himself into a chair on the other side of the Commander's desk. "I love that woman, but her bullheadedness will kill me long before our enemies do." There's a few moments of silence as Dorian taps his fingers against the arm of the chair. "We could always ask C--"

"No."

"He won't have to go digging, just give us a general read on--"

" _No_ , Dorian." Cullen pins him with a hard stare. "She has to give so much. If she wants to hold whatever this is inside, that's her choice. We can remind her that she can always talk with us, but we will _not_ get Cole to invade the privacy of her _mind_."

Dorian holds his hands up in silent surrender and apology. "You're right. Of course you're right." Dorian lowers his hands and gives Cullen a sympathetic look. "You'll talk to her tonight, then?"

Cullen nods, the knot in his gut that had formed that morning growing even further.

  
\----

  
It's well after nightfall when he finally finds Mae in the war room. She's hunched over the massive oak table, her face turned up to the windows, her eyes locked on the scar of the breach. Cullen grabs a chair from the far wall and carries it over. He silently takes her hand in his own as he sets it down and seats himself at her side.

"Dorian is worried about you," he decides to open with. He'd resolved himself to going directly into things on the walk over from his office, and starting with a reminder that there were others who cared for her felt right.

"So is Varric, apparently," she replies with a small, fond smile. "I tried assuring him I'm fine. I don't think he believes me."

"I'm not sure I do either, darling." He raises her hand to his lips for a kiss, then holds it beneath his chin. "Talk to me. What was the nightmare?"

She bites her lip, a habit that surfaces whenever she's debating admitting to a weakness. "It wasn't a nightmare. I--"

"Mae--" he starts to interrupt, but she finally looks at him, tears gathering in her eyes, and it stops the words dead in his throat.

"It wasn't a nightmare," she repeats. "It was a good dream. An _incredibly_ good dream."

Cullen frowns in confusion. "And that upset you? Why?"

Mae takes a deep breath and twists her hand from his grasp to caress his face. "You know I would never pressure you about anything, right? I'm never going to demand a ring or some house in the hills. As far as I'm concerned, I'll accept whatever life you're willing to live if we make it through this war alive. Just the two of us in some far away cabin or living in a city surrounded by people, with or without me, it's all your choice, Cullen."

" _Our_ choice, Mae," he affirms gently. "If you'll have me, there's no life I want that doesn't have you in it." She smiles at that, the first genuine one he's seen on her face all day, and a few tears break free to slide down her cheeks. "Is that what this is about, love? You think I don't want a life together? I promise you that nothing could be further from the truth."

She shakes her head and uses her free hand to wipe away her tears. "No. Well--yes, but no. I mean--It's not about what I think you're not willing to do, though that could play a part I suppose." She stops and steadies herself with another breath. "The dream I had. It was something I didn't even know I would ever want, and when I woke up and it wasn't real, it _hurt_. Not just because it wasn't reality, but because I'm terrified I'll never even get a chance to have it."

Cullen desperately wants to tell her that he'll run away with her right this second, find them a place to hide from all this chaos, to live peacefully and in love. But he knows she'll never agree to it, knows that she'll shake her head and remind him that he'd feel his own kind of crushing guilt if they left this war unfinished. So he simply, uselessly, asks, "What was the dream?"

Mae's eyes shut tightly, and a fresh sob bubbles up through her throat. "We were in our room. It couldn't have been Skyhold, it had to be our own house somewhere else. It was small and warm, made of wood instead of all this damn stone. A-and she," another sob, louder and rougher than the first. "She was so _real_ , Cullen. Big, blonde curls, the sweetest laugh you've ever heard in your life.

"She jumped up into our bed and I knew, was more sure than I've ever been in my life, that she was ours. Every inch of her face was all you, her nose, her jaw, all of it. Except her eyes. She had my eyes, Cullen. She had my eyes."

Cullen rises from his chair to gently sit himself on the war table and coaxes Mae into his lap. He can see this dream child in his mind's eye so clearly, can feel his loves' disappointment in their current reality and knows it matches his. A tear of his own rolls down his cheek as Mae cries into his shoulder. "Gwyn," he finally says, his voice hoarse.

"What?" Mae raises her head to meet his eyes, and her description of their possible child, the idea of the two most important women in his life sharing those eyes, hits him square in the chest.

"I've thought about it before." Under any other circumstances, there'd be shame and embarrassment in his admission. But sitting here with Mae in his arms, knowing she might want the same as him one day, gives him the courage to speak his hopes. "Gwyn, or some form of it. Gwyn Rutherford. Though I've always thought she'd have your hair."

"Gwyn," Mae whispers. She smiles at up at him, radiant and so incredibly enchanting that Cullen returns it unconsciously. "I've been trying to think of what her name would be all day. That's the first name that's felt right."

Cullen laughs, the knot in his gut finally unclenching, and leans down to kiss her forehead. "I always thought you didn't want children of your own. Aside from your apprentices, I mean."

"I didn't. At least I never actively _wanted_ them. It was never a real option before."

Cullen understands _that_ completely. His life had been devoted to the Order from the time he was thirteen. The idea of having anything outside of that sacred duty had always seemed some faraway, unobtainable passing whim. When he'd left Kirkwall, and by extension the Order, to come to the Inquisition, things had been in such a state of turmoil that there was no time to think of a life beyond the next days work. It wasn't until that first chess game in Haven with Mae that he'd even thought he could _want_ anything out of life that wasn't a duty to swear himself to.

Now here they are, wrapped up in each other, shedding tears over a shared wish for the future.

"We'll make it through this, love," he vows to her. "We'll win this war, and we'll let someone else take up the mantle of keeping the world together. We'll set out and make our own life. We'll make that dream come true."

Mae reaches her arms up and wraps them around Cullen's neck, her smile still firmly in place. "Somewhere cold?"

"As cold as you can stand, love."

"Sounds perfect."

**Author's Note:**

> Currently trying to write out the first few chapters of my big ass personal canon Mass Effect fic that spans the original trilogy and Andromeda. Whenever I hit a wall I faff around with DA fics. This one and two different Blackwall pieces were the closest I had to finishing, and this one was calling to me this morning. 
> 
> Anywho, I'll get around to cleaning up my old fics from tumblr and finishing my ME multi-chapter at some point. Requests are always welcome in the meantime. My fandoms are listed in my bio thing.


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